Why women say one thing and do the other

When women are asked what qualities they feel are important in a man they have a relationship with, often women give answers like "he has to be kind, a good listener, honest and loyal." I have, however, noticed through the years that a lot of women in reality choose men who lack the qualities those women say they are looking for.

The following experience sheds some light on the underlying cause of this phenomenon.

Some years back I had a girlfriend who is a psychotherapist. We were both fascinated by the differences between men and women. We used to have lots of discussions about this matter, trying to clarify the dynamics of relationships.

During one of these conversations she explained to me that getting sexual feelings towards me was dependent on me being kind and sweet and considerate towards her. Later on in the same conversation, she told me that if she saw a macho guy, she could feel a purely sexual attraction towards him.

I subsequently confronted her with her two contradictory statements. On the one hand she said sexual feelings are elicited by very kind, sweet and considerate behavior. On the other hand she claimed that macho behavior (which in itself is not kind nor sweet nor considerate) can be sexually attractive.

After contemplating this contradiction, she had the following insight:

Women have two kinds of needs: An "emotional" need and a "physical" need.

The emotional need is the need for someone who is kind, who is a good listener, who is honest, sensitive and loyal. This need has to do with being able to connect with each other.

The physical need pertains to the need for survival and protection. Macho behavior is associated with a strong male who is a leader and can fight off enemies. And it’s not just macho behavior that fulfills the physical need. It also applies to wanting financial security.

If you’re a sensitive, kind and honest person, you’re less likely to have the bravado and the aggressiveness to push the (male) competition aside and to compete succesfully in the harsh business world.

In the matter of partner choice, in many cases women’s physical need will win over their emotional need, because survival and protection are more primal needs than the need for a deep emotional connection.

A lot of women are less aware of the physical need, because it is more of an unconscious drive than the emotional need. Also the physical need is less favorable to how women want to perceive themselves and so they tend to be more in denial about that part of themselves. That’s why in this matter, they often say one thing and do the other.